the girls

harding grows weary

2010-10-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

strong coffee

2010-02-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

to begin at the beginning click here

faye denner was the toughest and most expensive private detective west of the mississippi and she didn't like to be kept waiting. not even by senator vanderfield, in front of a cozy fireplace in the senator's front parlor.
she had been sitting by herself for a half hour after the scheduled time of her meeting.
"bring me a clean ashtray - please," she addresed the butler when he appeared. "certainly , madam. will there be anything else?"

"i'd like a drink.'
'of course. we have lemonade, tea, coffee -"
"a drink."
"this is a dry county, madam. the dryest."
"oh excuse me, i forgot i wasn't in east st louis."

the butler smiled. "not exactly. but if you would like some coffee, i could make it very strong - add a little extra body to it."
'that would be nice. i'm partial to a strong body. if you don't mind my asking, - what did you say your name was?"
"i didn't, madam."
"then what is your name, big boy?"
"i don't care to be addressed as big boy, madam."
"is that a fact? and what exactly would you care to be addressed as?"

"as little fellow."
"i see. well, run along little fellow, and bring mama some of that strong coffee. and that clean ashtray. i mean, we do want to keep it clean, don't we?"
"indeed, madam."

"by the way, why am i being kept waiting? did i hear some kind of commotion outside? can't you keep the peasants in line around here?"
"there is a bit of a disturbance in the orchard, madam. a devil girl is caught in the branches of one of the best pear trees."

"one devil girl? that's a problem?"
"we - the staff - are working on it."
"i think i'll take a look. where is this orchard anyway?"

"shoot her down! just get a shotgun and shoot her down!" mrs white, the cook was waving her big spoon at quiqui, the littlest of the girls, who was hanging upside down from a pear tree with her foot entangled in the stem of a large pear.
"that would be kind of hard to do, mother, without damaging the pears, or even the tree itself." mr green the gardener, and his assistant plum tucker, were poking at the branches with long hoes, but couldn't quite reach the squirming quiqui.

"what are you rubes doing?" faye asked. "can't any of you country folk climb a tree?"'

"we could, miss," plum tucker told her. "but we'd rather not touch the spawn of lucifer if we can avoid it."
'"is that you, faye?" quiqui called. "faye denner? get me down out of here!"

faye moved closer. "get you down? but what are you going to do for me, honey? you know me, i don't do anything for nothing."
"anything! just get me down. i'll do anything you want!"
faye laughed. "anything! that covers a lot of territory, doesn't it?" she looked at mrs white and mr green, but they didn't laugh or smile back.
"just get me down, please, faye. we can finalize the exact terms of my gratitude after i'm down.

"all right. i'll climb the tree myself if somebody will give me a leg up." she looked at the three servants, but they all backed away, mrs white with her nose in the air, and the two men fearfully.
faye started to say something but stopped when she saw the butler approaching down the orchard path.

"what is this character's name?" she asked plum tucker.
"why, miss, that's mr littlefellow, the butler, who did you think it was?"
"of course, of course. over here, mr littlefellow, over here," faye called to him.
the butler looked up at quiqui as he approached. faye grabbed his arm and scandalized poor mrs white by rubbing up against him.

"how about a leg up here, mister littlefellow we'll get my little friend down in two shakes of - of whatever shakes twice, hey."
littlefellow blushed slightly and took faye's hand off his arm. "let me try something first, madam. your hoe, please, mr green."
the gardener handed the butler the hoe.

"wait!" faye grabbed the butler's arm again. "quiqui, if he gets you down, you still owe me. my intentions were good and duly stated."
"i don't care about that, just get me down!"
"say you owe me, quiqui!"
"i owe you!"
"all right. go ahead," faye told littlefellow. he reversed the hoe in his hand and hurled it like a javelin at quiqui, who screamed as the shaft and then the blade sailed over her head.

but the blade nicked the branch or the stem just enough to free her and she fell to the ground, where she lay on her back shouting.
"he could have cut my head off!"
"well done, sir, well done," mr green looked admiringly at the butler.
"more than a bit of luck, i'm afraid," littlefellow replied.
faye grabbed quiqui's hand and hauled her to her feet. mrs white had fled, and mr green and plum tucker followed her, after a nervous smile at faye.

quiqui shook her fist at littlefellow. "what did you think you were doing, you imbecile! what are you, in league with hoover?"
faye's eyebrows shot up. "hoover, eh?"
"yes, hoover. and his pal dillinger, too. they have a lot to answer for!"

"interesting." faye bent down and put her arm around quiqui's shoulder. "but no need to talk about these matters in front if this fellow, is there?" she whispered. "after all, he is the butler."

"let's get out of here," quiqui answered.
faye straightened up. "i have business here. and you belong to me now, so you'll have to stick around."
"belong to you!"
"don't argue. we'll be out of here soon enough." faye turned to the butler. "come on, mr littlefellow, let's go back and get that strong coffee. and bring some for my colleague here."

littlefellow looked at quiquii. "isn't she a child?"
"she's a demon! bring her some extra strong coffee." faye looked down at quiqui. "you do want some coffee, don't you?"
"yes. and some food!"
"i'll see what i can do." littlefellow turned to go back to the house, and faye and quiqui followed him.
"to return to our conversation, before we were so excitingly interrupted," faye said to littlefellow as they went up the path, "why is the senator keeping me waiting? it can't be because of quiqui here. he wasn't even out there."
littlefellow looked around. "as a matter of fact, it is because of this incident. you see, the senator has an aversion to anything supernatural and breaks out in green hives - "

"green hives!" quiqui interrupted him. "do you have to give us the filthy details! you country people!"
"witches, demons, werewolves, vampires, zombies, they all cause the senator to endure this unfortunate condition," littlrfellow went on imperturbably.
"really?" faye asked. "then how does he get along in the united states senate?"

"he has doctors on hand there with special pills -"
"special pills!" put in quiqui. "shine a light!"
littlefellow ignored her. "but here in the sanctuary of his ancestral home, he didn't think the expense of a medical staff necessary."
"so does this mean he won't be seeing me anytime soon?" faye asked.
"perhaps not."
they were back in the house. "then i'll be on my way," faye told him. "the senator will receive a bill for my time. if he still wants my services, let me know." she grabbed littlefellow's arm again and squeezed it and moved closer to him. "unless you can help me out."

"come on, faye, behave yourself," quiqui told her.
"i'm afraid i'm not authorized to deal with these matters on the senator's behalf."
"too bad." faye let go his arm.
"will you still be wanting that coffee, madam? it should be ready."

"why not? no sense letting it go to waste." faye sat back down and lit a cigarette. "did i just go five minutes without a smoke?"
littlefellow turned to leave.
"i want some food!" quiqui shouted at him.
"oh shut up," faye told her. "i'll get you something on the way back to st louis. we'll stop at ernie's."

i'm warning you, i'll want seconds."
"o k, i'm warned. go ahead, get the coffee," faye told littlefellow.

quiqui settled back after the butler left. "nice chair. so what exactly do want from me, faye?"

"wait until we get to ernie's. then between shoveling two helpings of food into your face,

you can tell me everything you know about our friends hoover and dillinger.'"

henry's farm

2009-11-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

to begin at the beginning click here

a storm was brewing and it was past time to get the sheep in their pens. henry was slumped in his easy chair, dead drunk. with a sigh, sarah wiped her hands and headed for the farmhouse door.
the first thing she saw when she stepped outdoors and looked up into the darkening sky was a pair of devil girls floating down into the meadow.

ohyoukid and petronia looked down as they descended.
"sheep" said ohyoukid. "yuck."
"land right on one," petronia replied.

"nothing softer than a sheep."
ohyoukid didn't answer. she swerved as best she could and landed in a clump of yellow grass.
petronia came down on the back of a sheep. "whoo-ee! ride em, cowboy!" she yelled.
the poor sheep looked around but was too surrounded by her fellows to move much.

all the sheep were milling about a little fearfully.
"here comes mrs brown," said ohyoukid. "i don't think she wants you on her sheep."

"get off my animal, you nasty creature! and get off my land, both of you!" sarah was running toward them, dodging through clusters of restless sheep, with her apron bunched up in her hand.
ohyoukid moved up to meet her. "nothing to get excited about, mrs brown - "
"it's simmons, mrs simmons - "
'nothing to be concerned about, mrs simmons, we'll be on our way -"
petronia had crossed over on the backs of several sheep and dropped to the ground. " - as soon as we get a little something to eat," she finished.
"i've got these sheep to take care of, i've got no time to be feeding the likes of you."

"oh we can feed ourselves," petronia told her. "no problem there."
"we don't want much," ohyoukid added, "just enough to take the edge of our hunger pains."
"and we can help you with the sheep," said petronia.

"i don't need - " sarah glanced up at the increasingly dark sky, then back to the house - no help there - and then at the flat gazes of the two girls - "oh all right, if you think you can help."
"we have a way with animals," petronia told her.
"sometimes," ohyoukid added.
"well then" sarah smiled as best she could, "let's get on with it."

sarah closed the door behind her, just as the rain began to fall. the girls looked around.

petronia pointed to henry in his chair. "what was his problem?" she asked.
"here's his problem" ohyoukid picked up the bottle beside his chair. she turned it over and nothing came out. "good to the last drop."

"i'll try to wake him up," sarah said.
"why?" asked petronia,
"henry! we have visitors! visitors! visitors, henry!" sarah turned to the girls. "no use. i guess he just doesn't want to wake up."
they moved into the kitchen.
"let's eat, " said ohyoukid. "where's the knives and forks?"
"just sit down," sarah told them. "i'll get everything."

"we can help," ohyoukid told her. petronia rolled her eyes a little at this.
'no, you'd just be in the way." sarah moved into the larder.

"make yourselves comfortable. this might take a little while, i wasn't expecting company." she gave a nervous laugh.
'take your time," ohyoukid told her. petronia made a face, but held her tongue. they could now hear the wind and rain picking up outside.
"would you like some kippers?" sarah asked them.
"kippers!" exclaimed petronia. "i thought we were in america!"
"well we are, but i'm from england - from south yorks."
"everybody is from somewhere," ohyoukid answered politely.
"if you don't care for kippers, maybe you'd like some mutton with your eggs?"

petronia put her hand on her stomach and made a face.
"that would be very nice," ohyoukid called to sarah.
the wind began to howl as sarah bustled about, putting eggs on the stove and plates and cups and silverware on the kitchen table.

henry remained immobile in his chair.
the food was finally ready and sarah watched with her mouth open as the girls attacked it like a couple of lions.

they quickly cleaned their plates and looked up, obviously wanting more.
sarah smiled weakly. "my, you must have had a long trip to get here."
their gaze didn't waver and she filled their plates with more eggs and toast.

"i'll get some of the kippers now, if you'd like."
they nodded yes with their mouths full.
"that was very good," ohyoukid announced when the plates were clean again. "just a little more coffee and a couple more pieces of toast, if you please, ma'am."
"certainly. would you like some pie? i have blueberry and apple."
"we can always find room for pie, " petronia told her and ohyoukid nodded.
"now we need to find a way out of here," ohyoukid told sarah after they finished the pie. "you got a truck or something we can borrow?"

sarah looked at her blankly.
"we'll drive it to the next town and catch a freight, " petronia told her. "you can come by and pick it up later. if you don't have another one, i'm sure some friendly neighbor will take you down."

"of course," ohyoukid added, as she drained the last sips out of her coffee cup, "you can just drive us yourself, if you don't mind the storm."
"but - how could you drive the truck if i gave it to you? neither of you could reach the pedals."
"one of us steers and shifts, the other sits on the pedals," petronia answered.
"don't worry, we've done it before," ohyoukid added.

"what's this? somebody talking about my truck?" henry shouted from the front room. suddenly he was in the doorway, holding on to it for dear life.
he gasped when he saw the girls. then his eye fell on the dirty dishes and pots and pans.
"what's going on here? it looks like they've eaten all the food in the house!"
"only about half if it," sarah told him.

"they helped get the sheep in. we have to be hospitable."
"hospitable? to demons? where does it say in scripture we have hospitable to demons?" henry's face got redder. "sarah, fetch my belt."
"what do you need a belt for, henry?" ohyoukid asked him.

"it looks like your pants are holding up pretty good there."
"yes," petronia told him, 'if you went out and did a little work instead of sucking on a bottle all day, you might have some need for it."

"so! so! you invite these imps of lucifer into my home not only to rob me but to mock me! he glared at the girls.
"just wait there. i have something that will settle your hash."
henry staggered down the hall and returned a few minutes later with a big black bible, which he thrust in the girls faces.
ohyoukid pointed at the bible, and henry felt it shifting in his hands.

he looked down and it had turned into a pillar of salt, with small flames darting out of it. he quickly put it down on the kitchen table.

small ghostly figures were pouring out of it and vanishing in the air.
"we're just having a little fun with you, henry," ohyoukid told him.
"you wouldn't to get us mad at you," petronia added.
henry stared at the little pillar of salt, until the flames and the little figures stopped emerging, and it was still.
petronia got up from the table and got the coffee pot. she poured the last thick dregs into her cup.

"you know, sarah," said ohyoukid, "i think you should come with us. leave this hardscrabble life behind and see the world."
'that's right," said petronia. "then we could forget about the freight. we could drive clear to salt lake city."
"or even frisco," said ohyukid.

"i - i don't quite know what to say - "
"go pack your bag," petronia told her.
"but i don't think -"
"just do it, sarah." ohyoukid's little eyes bored into sarah's big blue ones. "just do it."
"and you, henry," said petronia. "while she's packing, you can find that other bottle you've got hidden somewhere. we know you've got one."
'and we'll make some more coffee," said ohyoukid. '"we'll leave some for you."

down in the yards

2009-10-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

mimi and nebuchadnezera were caught in a strong wind and blown all the way to north platte. they came down in the railroad yard. old bull bowline, the meanest railroad bull west of toledo, saw them come down and trembled. old bull wasn't afraid of anything human or animal, but anything the least bit supernatural terrified him

- even elves, leprechauns, fairies and sprites, also angels, archangels, demons, banshees, vampires, ghouls, ghosts and poltergeists but especially werewolves, succubi, zombies, witches and devil girls. he considered the devil girls the nastiest of all, combining many of the worst elements of the others.

but he was old bull bowline and he couldn't show fear. the sun was shining, the air was as clear as it ever got in the railroad yard, and he gripped his big club, which he named molly malone, firmly in his meaty red fist and strode forth to do battle.
mimi saw him first.

"put that club down, bull, you don't dare use it on us," she shouted.

"why ladies," bull replied, keeping his voice reasonably steady, "you know i just carry molly for luck - everywhere i go." he twirled the club and stuck it in his belt.
we're hungry," nebuchadnezera announced. "at least i am."
"likewise," said mimi. "what have you got for us?"

""i got some beans back in the shack." bull's voice, which had sent chills down the spines of the james brothers and the younger brothers in its time, wavered just a bit.
"beans!" mimi glared at him. "we didn't come here to be insulted."
"how about some nice pork chops?" nebuchadnezera added in a milder tone.

"ladies, I'm a poor man. you know the railroad don't pay, especially in these hard times. i only eat what i can steal from the boes, and ain't too many of them carrying pork chops. or even lamb chops."

"nebuchadnezera poked him in his big gut. "you're eating something. strikers maybe?"

"surely you can come up with some scrambled eggs at least," said mimi.
"well - we could mosey over to ma blanchard's rooming house. she's got some pretty good pie - fill you right up."
"pie?" mimi looked at nebuchadnezera. "does she have decent coffee?'
"ma's coffee is the best in western nebraska."
"i guess it will have to do then," said mimi.

'"lead the way," said nebuchadnezera.
they left the yard and headed for a small tree lined street filled with boarding houses with signs in the windows.
'you know, bull," said mimi as they walked along," you seemed pretty eager to get out of the yard. are you up to some skullduggery back there you didn't want us to know about?"

these little devils! old bull was indeed up to some mischief. he had captured clarence and otis eno, the most desperate bank robbers west of peoria, but instead of turning them over to mr hoover and the fbi, he was holding them in a shed in the yards and auctioning them off to the highest bidder. so far he had bids from the ku klux klan, the pope, the daughters of the revolution, the masons, the darwinism propagation society, and the emperors of china and the lost city of x. he had planned to wait a few days for more bids, but with the girls around he thought maybe he should speed things up.

"you girls planning on staying a spell?" he asked, his voice a little squeaky.
"no," said nebuchadnezera, "we plan on catching the first fast freight back to civilized parts. with your permission, of course."
"sure, sure, no problem."

"anything for old friends, right?" said mimi. "but you didn't answer my question, bull - you planning some dark and profitable deeds?"
"now,where would you get an idea like that? what could a poor servant of the railroad be up to in such wise?"
'you could be selling strikers to the emperor of japan or the king of barbary."
"that's not illegal! besides, the strike is over, it's been over for a while."

"looks like we're here," said nebuchadnezera. the sign in the window of the last house on the block said "mrs blanchards - clean beds - solid food" "i notice she doesn't advertise her great pie."
"she doesn't have to," laughed bull. he led them up the short steps to the white front door, entered without knocking and headed straight for the kitchen.

"good morning, mr bowline," said mrs blanchard without looking up from her oven.
"morning,ma. i brought some guests along."
mrs blanchard gave a little start when she saw the girls. "hmph. nice friends you have, mr bowline."

old bull gave her an anguished despair of the damned look and she relented a little. she shook her big spoon at the girls. "just to let you know, ladies, i know something of the arts myself. my momma schooled me. so mind your manners."

"we just want some pie," said nebuchadnezera, "and some coffee, if you please."
"aren't you a little young for coffee?"
"they don't have any age, " old bull said.
"of course. well, sit down."

mimi had already seated herself and nebuchadnezera sat across from her. the kitchen table was covered with a worn but spotless white cloth. mrs blanchard put plates and forks, and cups and saucers in front of them in what seemed one fluid motion.
"well, what's your pleasure?" she asked them. "i've got some rhubarb pie fresh baked."
"how about blueberry?" asked nebuchadnezera.
"i've got blueberry. but the rhubarb has good medicinal value."

"what do we need medicinal for?" asked mimi. "i'll have some blueberry too."
"rude little thing, aren't you? if i was the prince of darkness or whoever your master is," - mrs blanchard glared at mimi - "well he's go plenty of fire at his disposal, doesn't he, i'd apply some of it to your bare backside."
"that shows how much you know," mimi answered. "we don''t have any master."

"i know what i read in my bible."
"not the best place to learn magic," mimi laughed. "is that how your momma schooled you?"
"don't mind her, ma'am," nebuchadnezera said. "we''ve had some trying experiences. now we'd just like some pie and coffee."
mr blanchard glared at mimi and went to the pantry and returned with a huge blueberry pie. she dished out hearty proportions to both girls.

"looks good, thank you ma'am' '" nebuchadnezera said. mimi just grunted.
"well, mr bowline," mrs blanchard asked as she poured coffee for the girls, 'have you heard from that brother of yours? how's things down south?"
"pretty quiet. they had a little ruckus about a week ago, tarred and feathered a darwinist and a papist."

mrs blanchard's mouth tightened. "you know i don't approve of such stuff,"
"but a darwinist and a papist!"
"i don't care what folks do - as long as they don't stir up the negroes." she looked down at the girls. "you girls don't plan on stirring up the negroes, do you?"
"no ma'am," said nebuchadnezera. "we just want some more of this pie."
"it's pretty good," said mimi. "in fact, it's real good."

pretty boy on a roll: old friends get together

2009-08-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

june bug, kaleidoscopa, and lili were blown in the same direction hoover and dillinger were taking, and thought they might land right on top of their cars, but they managed to avoid this and sailed past them. they finally landed on a rolling green lawn with a long paved driveway twisting through it. two austin chummys, a daimler salon cabriolet, and a model k mercedes benz were parked along the driveway.
"it must be party time," said lili. "but i don't hear any partying."
"i don't even see a house," said kaleidoscopa. "this must be some driveway."

"where are the chauffeurs?" asked june bug. "cars like these must have chauffeurs."
"listen," said kaleidoscopa, "i hear something."
"i hear somebody," said lili. "somebody ve-ry familiar."
they headed down the driveway past the cars in the direction of the voices. after a dip in the road they saw a duck pond, and a group of four chauffeurs in uniform were shooting dice beside it. piles of money, including some gold coins, were clustered on the grass in front of the players.
the chauffeurs were so intent on the game they didn't notice the girls as they floated up silently behind them.
"you should be playing for pennies, floyd," lili said over the shooters shoulder. "bad pennies."
"be with you in a second," pretty boy floyd answered. "just let me make my point."

he rolled a nine - his point. he scooped up a pile of bills and gold coins and turned with a big smile to the girls. "do i know you?" he squinted at lili, then the other two girls.
"east st louis, floyd, east st louis. with dillinger," lili amswered.
"oh yeah, i kind of remember." floyd still held the dice and rolled them around in his hand. "but i don't associate with dillinger or his ilk any more. i'm a working man now, doing a day's work for a day's pay. "
"who's your friends, floyd?" asked one of the other chauffeurs, a chimpanzee, who was wearing the best tailored uniform of the four.
"keep rolling, son, you can talk to your friends later," said another, a gorilla.
"well put your money up," floyd answered. all three - the chimp, the gorilla, and a sunken chested little human with a pencil mustache, all put down larger amounts than before, doubling their bets.

pretty boy floyd rolled an eleven. he grabbed up the new bills and coins.
"let me see those dice," the gorilla said.
"sure, gus, they're your dice."
the gorilla looked at the dice. "so they are. but i say we don't play no more until we get some new dice."
"fine with me." said floyd, as he finished stuffing the money into the pockets of his tight uniform.
"floyd looks like he's put on a few pounds," june bug commented.
"honest toil must agree with him," said kaleidoscopa. "you got a good woman, pretty boy, feeding you pork chops every night?"

floyd ignored them. "i guess you guys are about tapped out anyway," he told the gorilla.
"i don't know about them, but i ain't tapped out by a long shot. the crown prince pays me good, real good."
"and colonel mccutcheon pays me good too," added the chimp.
"colonel mccutcheon!!" the three girls exclaimed together.
"not - colonel - osbert mccutcheon?" lili added,
"that's right," the chimp answered. "what's it to you, devil girl?"
the little chauffeur with the pencil mustache spoke up. "i knew you had some rather unfortunate acquaintances, floyd, but i never suspected you of associating with devil girls."
kaleidoscopa pointed her finger at him before he finished talking. "i know who you are!"
"really? i don't believe i've had the pleasure."
"you were in the papers." kaleidoscopa turned to june bug and lili. "it's the marquis of chutneyside. he's wanted for the brutal murder of the celebrated model and playgirl sally sensemilla. it's him!"

"the police of nine continents are looking for you, fella," june bug told him.
"prove it, sister. besides, we're in america now, where outlaws run wild and free."
"and lose all their money to pretty boy floyd," said lili.
"and is that any concern of yours?"
"not really." lili answered. "we just want something to eat."
"yeah." june bug looked at pretty boy. "where's the chow, sarge?"
"are you on the guest list?" pretty boy asked her.
"listen to you," kaleidoscopa said, "whatever happened to good old-fashioned hospitality? besides, you owe us."
"come on," lili added. "i can feel the money in the air here like a gas. there's got to be some good vittles just laying around. i bet they throw away more than honest folks get regular meals."
"i want some oysters," said june bug. "and some devilled lobster."

"and strawberry ice cream," added kaleodoscopa. "lots of strawberry ice cream."
the chimp laughed. "now they're writing the menu. look at them, how much can they eat anyway?"
"you don't know devil girls," floyd told him. "these ladies could beat a dinosaur in a pie-eating contest on the fourth of july."
"actually we'll eat anything," lili said. "any where, any time."
"and we'll even eat at the same table as colonel osbert mccutcheon," said june bug.
"what are you, suffragettes?" asked the marquis. "i wouldn't have thought devil girls would care two straws about the colonel's opinions."
"hah!" the three answered together.
"you'll be eating in the kitchen with the servants anyway," the gorilla told them. ""if they decide to feed you at all."
"you'd be surprised," said kaleodoscopa. "we are pretty good at getting ourselves invited."

the big white house looked built for comfort rather than show. colonel osbert mccutcheon was sitting in a rocking chair on the verandah, reading the financial pages of the san francisco chronicle. the new york times, vanity fair and a gin and tonic sat on a small table beside him. he looked up unconcernedly as his host's austin chummy, with the marquis of chutneyside at the wheel, coasted up in front of him. the three girls jumped out of the windows before the car came to complete stop.
the marquis slammed the drivers door shut and began chasing them as they ran up the short stairs.

"it's all right, trevor, i will take care of them," the colonel announced. trevor seemed happy enough to get back in he car and drive it around the side of the house.
there was a long cushioned porch swing on the verandah and june bug and kaleidoscopa made straight for it. lili perched herself on the rail in front of the colonel.
the colonel folded the san francisco chronicle neatly and leaned back in the chair.
"what can i do for you ladies?"
"we're hungry," lili told him.
"ah, some things never change. i will speak to the cook but can't promise anything. this house isn't mine, you see. it belongs to the duke of a-------, who will arrive on friday with most of the other guests."
so what mischief have you been up to?"
"not much. just recovering from the rude reception of my latest book." the colonel smiled.
"you should be used to it by now," said kaleidoscopa. she got off the swing and joined lili on the rail. "let's see, your latest was - "
"horses and their habits, in two volumes. critics had carped that my two earlier efforts, dogs and their destinies and women and their ways, weren't exhaustive enough. now they complain that i go on too long. ah well." the colonel took a sip of his gin and tonic.

june bug got off the swing and stood beside him, glaring. "so what will your genius tackle next?"
"how about devils and other supernatural beings?," asked kaleidoscopa.
"yeah, we could really help you out," added lili.
"oh no, i have a much more interesting subject i am already working on. something even more interesting than dogs or women or horses."
"what?"
"butterflies. butterflies and their beings."

at the circus: the socialist

2009-07-27T04:16:00.000-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

the circus was in town, and gigi, hope diamond, and irma landed on top of the big top.
irma landed on her back. "this is real comfy. i could lie here all day."
gigi had landed closer to the edge and peered over it. "look at all the people. we can get lost really easy here."
"i think we should stick together, at least for now," said hope diamond.
"see you around," answered gigi, and jumped.
hope diamond ran to the edge and watched gigi float down into a crowd of people in front of a cotton candy stand.
nobody paid much attention to gigi as she trotted past the row of game stands and food stands and went back behind the big tent.

gretel, of the flying gingerbread twins, was taking a smoke break. she was from the black forest and didn't bat an eye when she saw the imp staring at her.
"hello. little devil girl."
"hello, yourself. what is it going to be, your body or your soul?"
"how about a cigarette?" gretel held her flat pack of turkish cigarettes out to gigi.
"ugh." gigi stared at her. "aren't you afraid?"
"i used to be a devil girl myself."
"i don't believe you."
"no. i was."
"what mage put his spell on you?"
"it's a long story. come over here and sit down. i'll tell you all about it,"

"what a dope," said hope diamond. "we'll probably have to rescue her later. come on, let's go find something to eat."
"i don't want to get something to eat," irma said. "i just want to lie here and look at the sky. and when i get tired of that i want to steal somebody's soul."
"all right i'll go find myself something. don't think i'm going to come back and bring you anything,"
irma jumped up and they slid down the side of the tent together.

they strolled down the midway. only a few children, who started to cry, took any notice of them. they came to a tent that caught their eye - "hungry jones - the world's eatingest man". a barker in a straw hat and suspenders was standing on a platform outside the tent..
"step right up folks, it all gets consumed inside," the barker shouted. "hungry jones, the world's eatingest man, who has astounded the crowned the crowned heads of europe, asia, the himalayas and the pyrenees with his superhuman appetite, the eighth wonder of the world, confounding the world's most renowned scientists! this man can eat! ladies and gentlemen, you think your farmhands can eat, i tell you this man can outdo any ten of them! and for one nickel, one buffalo nickel, you too can witness this astounding phenomenon of the ages. so step right up - one nickel, one buffalo nickel -"
"i think we know this guy," irma said. "hey bosco!" she shouted at the barker. "bosco! didn't you used to hang out at brother melville's mission on third street in stockton? i know you!"
the barker glanced over at them but quickly turned away and continued his spiel.
"he's ignoring us!" said irma "what a colossal nerve!"
'this is the most disgraceful thing i've ever seen," said a voice beside them. a tall gaunt man in a threadbare gray suit and a tight green tie stood beside them. "people starving all the world and in this country a spectacle can be made of gluttony - how many people could be fed with what is wasted in this disgusting spectacle!"

"all over the world?" irma looked up at him. "how about right here? how about me?"
" bosco!" hope diamond yelled." how about throwing some of that chow our way, old buddy, for old times sake!"
"you see," cried the gaunt man, shaking his fist at bosco, "these poor children are starving and you mock them with your freak show!"
"what are you, a socialist?" bosco responded, "if you don't like it here, why don't you go back to siberia? and take these devil girls with you!"
"bosco!" hope diamond and irma shouted together. "we thought you were our friend!"
"a crowd had begun to form behind them. "socialists! devil girls!" they began to mutter.
"folks, these little devils are no friends of mine, any more than mr socialist here. maybe they do things different in places like argentina or russia, but here in nebraska folks can work as hard as they please and eat as much as they please. am i right or wrong?"
"you're right! you're right!" the crowd grew larger and began to press in on the girls and the gaunt man. the gaunt man was pushed forward and fell on his face.
"let's find a good tree!" someone in the crowd shouted.
hope diamond and irma reached down on each side of the socialist and grabbed one of his hands.
"we'll save you, mr socialist!" irma shouted. they rose into the air with the socialist and started floating away.
"demons! witches!" the crowd shouted.
hope diamond looked back and pointed with her free hand back down the midway.
"look," she shouted, "free candy! free beer! free everything"
"what!"
"she's lying!"
"she's trying to trick us!"
"it might be worth checking out!"
with that the crowd turned and flowed away from the girls, who floated over the nearest tent and away. they floated away from the circus grounds to the town dump.
"wow, he's heavy!"
"let's put him down here." they floated down to the dump.
""whew." irma looked down at the socialist, who had passed out during the brief flight. "he must have gold bars in his pocket."
"no, he was just dead weight because he passed out."

the socialist opened his eyes. he sat upon his elbows. "that was neatly done, ladies. neatly done. these people hate socialism but they surely love free stuff,"
"right," said irma.
"just lie back and relax," said hope diamond,
"debs is the name, ladies. eugene debs."
"charmed, i'm sure," answered irma. she leaned down and bit mr debs on the neck.
he screamed and spasmed as if electrocuted and then fell back.
"are you sure you want to invade this character?" hope diamond asked.
"why not? pickings look pretty slim out there. besides, i still think he might have gold bars in his pockets."
"well, why don't you look in his pockets?"
"i'll do that." irma reached into debs pocket and took out a little pamphlet. it was titled "principles of world socialism". she tossed it aside, and as it hit the ground it burst into flames. karl marx and friedrich engels jumped out of the flames. the girls ran. karl marx chased hope diamond back in the direction of the circus. engels chased irma in the other direction, deeper into the dump.
irma outran him and ended up on a mountain of tractor tires at the edge of the dump. she looked back.
"religions, religions everywhere and not a soul to steal."

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on the north road: the girls part 3

2009-07-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

dede, eleusinia and fifi landed on the northeast side of the cornfield, at a fork in the road. the north road led to pierre south dakota and northfield minnesota. the south led to lincoln nebraska and topeka kansas. both roads were deserted.
they wandered and danced around aimlessly at the edge of the field, waiting for something to happen.
a big truck finally came chugging up the south road, heading north. the bed of the truck was covered with a canvas over rounded slats that made it look like -
" a covered wagon! " dede shouted. "woo! woo! woo!"
fifi started dancing in a circle. "woo, woo,woo!" she flapped her hand over her mouth like an indian in a wild west show.
they were having fun. they were glad to be out of that old briefcase.
the truck saw them and stopped. an old man was hunched over the wheel. he looked about 300 years old. a big straw hat covered most of his weatherbeaten face. the stubble on his chin looked like the lichen on the walls of jericho.

he was polite though. "headed my way, ladies?" he peered out of the tall cab.
fifi jumped up on the running board. "you're old," she said. fifi didn't have very good manners.
"fifi!" eleusinia admonished her. eleusinia prided herself on her deportment. "you will have to excuse my friend, kind sir. she has had a bit of a shock lately."
this got a laugh from dede and fifi.
"manners, shmanners," the old man answered. "where you all headed?"
dede jumped up on the running board beside fifi. "where are any of headed? where will it all end?" she asked the old man.
"dede!" cried eleusinia. "don't go bothering folks with your nonsense!"
"i'm headed north, " said the old man, "i'd advise you to do the same. ain't nothing good coming from down south."
"sounds like 23," said dede. "let's roll."
eleusinia ran around and got into the cab beside the old man. dede stayed on the running board. fifi jumped on top of the canvas where she continued her wild west dance with a lot of woo woos!
they headed north.

"if you don't mind my asking, sir," asked eleusinia when they had gone a few miles. "what exactly were you - what are we - fleeing from down south?"
"wolf."
"the big bad wolf! oo!" dede exclaimed from the running board.
"not the big bad wolf. wolf! not the same thing at all." the old man wagged his finger at dede.
"two hands on the wheel, dad!" dede shouted as the truck veered slightly to the center of the road.
"everythin's under control." the old man muttered.

ella enderson was walking back to her little house after bringing water to pa and sonny boy in the fields. she looked up and saw the truck pass on the highway with fifi capering on top. she dropped her empty jug and ran back into the field.
"pa, pa! i just saw a devil!"
fritz enderson looked up saw ella rushing toward him. he leaned wearily on his hoe.
"how many devils this time, ma?" asked sonny boy when she reached them. he hadn't stopped his hoeing.
"just one for sure. but there might have been a couple more."
"jist one? was it a big one?" sonny boy asked.

"speak a little more respectfully to your mother," fritz told him. he whacked sonny boy on the side of his big round head with his hoe.
"aw gee, pa! you didn' have to do that."
"go back to the house, ma." fritz told her. "get your bible, you can find the right verse to exorcise the devils. you can do it. i know you can."
ella nodded and turned back to the house.
"i don't know why she gets to sit in the house and read the bible all day," sonny boy grumbled for the thousandth time. "she's plenty strong enough to be out here in the field with us."
fritz whacked him on the head again.

"it's just as well we are headed away from kansas," eleusinia observed. "i understand that this is tornado season."
"tornados!" the old man chuckled. "a tornado will blow a house away? you know what wolf is fixing to do?"
"no, dad, what is wolf fixing to do?" dede asked.
"destroy the world."

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angie stays cool: the girls part 2

2009-07-10T08:08:00.001-07:00

to begin at the beginning click here

angie, boom boom and cece landed on the west side of the cornfield on the road to laramie.
"i want to be a cowgirl." said boom boom.
"i want to be a cow," said cece.
'you already were a cow," boom boom said. "don't you want to be something new this time?"
"get your thumbs out, ladies," angie told them. "here comes farmer brown."
farmer brown was kicking up the dust in his ford pickup. he went right past them without slowing down.
"farmer, farmer!" boom boom called after the settling dust. "what's the matter, don't you like us any more?"
"boo on you!" cece added.
angie let her arm drop. "i think we have a problem."
"why?" asked boom boom. "just because dumb old farmer brown doesn't like us any more?"
"let's wait for one more car," said angie.
"look, it's senator vandegriff!" cried cece.
a long black limousine was heading toward them. all three began waving frantically, but it picked up speed and roared past them.
"oh no!" shouted boom boom, "the senator didn't even stop!"
"and neither did the chauffeur," added cece.
'that's right - lou was always a right guy."
"come on,' said angie. "no more hitching. we have to find a house - there's no time to lose."
they turned and starting running down the highway.
about four hundred yards down the road they almost went past a little house hidden behind a tall untended cornfield.
"looks deserted, " said cece.

"we'll give it a quick check," said angie.
they raced through the dried stalks, taking no precautions.
boom boom charged through the door of the little house with the others close behind.
the house wasn't deserted. a little old woman sat softly mumbling at a worn table. although they hadn't seen any smoke from outside, a low fire was burning in a tiny fireplace. the old woman looked up and saw the three girls.
"who are you?" she cried. "what do you want?"
"this isn't going to hurt," said angie.
"what isn't going to hurt? what do you want?"
"we don't want your dried up old body." boom boom told her, "so i guess we'll have to take your soul." she advanced toward the table.
"demons!" cried the old woman. "begone!" she picked an old worn bible from the table and brandished it at boom boom.
"ha! here's what we think of your bible!" boom boom snatched the book out of the old woman's hand and threw it into the fireplace.
but the bible bounced out of the fireplace. and st jerome and john the baptist jumped out of the bible.

the girls screamed. st jerome chased boom boom out of the door and out into the field. cece was right behind them, chased by john the baptist. boom boom headed into the field, toward a patch of woods. cece ran back toward the highway. st jerome and john the baptist howled imprecations at them as they chased them.
angie, watching from the doorway, couldn't understand what either of the holy men were shouting. she stayed cool. she turned back to the old woman, who glared back at her and bared her teeth.
"demon!" she hissed. "witch!"
"you got anything to eat in this place?," angie asked her.

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a briefcase for the corn god: the coming of the girls

2009-07-10T08:07:00.001-07:00

it began on a windy summer morning on the nebraska-wyoming border, where the waving yellow cornfields gave way abruptly to the rolling gray sheep fields. it had not rained in weeks, but a thunderstorm was in the air.
john dillinger had driven across wyoming from san francisco by way of reno. he had come alone.
j edgar hoover and clyde purvis had driven across nebraska from chicago by way of st louis.
dillinger arrived fifteen minutes ahead of the two lawmen. he finished off the quart of whiskey that had kept him company on the long trip, and tossed the bottle into the cornfields across the road. a scarecrow in the field shouted at him, but he ignored it.
hoover and purvis arrived and got out of their packard. purvis sat down on the running board and began fanning himself with his flat straw hat. hoover, cool as ever in his brown suit, walked up to dillinger.
dillinger nodded at purvis and laughed. "he's been in a car for a thousand miles and doesn't want to get out and stand on his feet."
"i will worry about him," hoover answered. "what is going on?"
"it's the lady in red. she's taken the ticket."
"just like i said."
"yeah, just like you said. you were right, i was wrong." dillinger squinted out into the corn fields. "but now it's up to both of us to make it up to the corn god."
"but he is not here," hoover pointed out.
'he's here. i bet that is him right there." dillinger pointed to the scarecrow. he took a briefcase out of the back seat of his pierce arrow and started to walk through the rows of corn toward it, with hoover behind him. hoover looked back over his shoulder. purvis had lit a cigarette and was still sitting on the running board, leaning back on the door of the packard.

dillinger pushed his way up to the scarecrow. "ok., we are here," he said to it. "now what?"
the scarecrow/corn god laughed. "your friend here didn't even recognize me."
"don't think i'm not embarrassed," said hoover. "because i am."
"don't worry about it," dillinger said. "you haven't dealt with these gods as much as i have. you'll get used to their ways."
"gentlemen, please," said the corn god. "i haven't got all day to stand here." he smiled to show this was a joke, but neither of them laughed.
"he's got a pretty primitive sense of humor, doesn't he," said hoover to dillinger.
"yeah, they're all idiots," said dillinger. "that's the first thing you have to learn about them."
"and humans have no manners, talking about folks as if they weren't there," said the corn god. "that's the first thing you learn about them."
"let's get on with it." said dillinger. he opened his briefcase. it contained eight silver bullets wrapped in cellophane and nine plastic roses, also wrapped in cellophane.
"here you are. just what you wanted, the souls of seventeen young girls."
"young girls! whatever gave you the idea i wanted the souls of young girls? that's not what the corn god wants."
dillinger looked over at hoover. hoover just raised his eyebrows.
"what do you want?" dillinger asked finally. "we are to serve you."
"the souls of wild horses. of white tigers, of fat ladies - not young girls."
"our intentions were good," said hoover. "we will go back and try to make amends. meanwhile, do our good intentions count for anything?"
"the gods don't deal with intentions, sir. we don't recognize such things. that is just pathetic human stupidity."
dlllinger took the briefcase and threw it out into the cornfield. the silver bullets and plastic roses flew out of it and the souls of the seventeen young girls escaped and drifted away. they called out to each other and their voices fell like raindrops on to the windows of the pierce arrow and the packard.

"maybe you shouldn't have done that," said hoover.
the corn god had disappeared. the scarecrow was just a scarecrow again.
"let's get out of here."
they crossed the cornfield. dillinger got back behind the wheel of the pierce arrow. hoover and purvis got into the packard and when dillinger pulled out on to the highway they followed him.
dillinger headed to lincoln. hoover and purvis stayed close behind. a few drops of heavy rain began to fall. when they had gone about six miles they saw three of the escaped young girls hitchhiking. dillinger accelerated past them and purvis followed suit.
"what has that idiot done now?" hoover muttered. it began to rain harder.

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